Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
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if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
dude it’s called proctologist
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.