3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
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3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will