When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
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ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
hackers play passwordle
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS