cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
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PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.