ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
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6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.