A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
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Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Me trying to reach for my goals
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that