i will avenge u mr van gogh
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mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
(more comics:
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.