*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
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I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.