Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
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The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
This could be us but you eatin’
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes