[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
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[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I’m Sold!
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.