Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
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ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly