[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
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Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
😏😏😏
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Pizza is an emotion right?
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you