Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
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Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
thank god
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need