Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
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My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.