I feel it
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At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice