Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
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My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.