I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
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I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
12653.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.