Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
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My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Good morning, Twitter x
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
uncle dave has been through hell
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
When I snag the last meatball.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat