Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
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National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Herpes is trending, good job people
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments