Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
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[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I needed a laugh this morning.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”