I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
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[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.