Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
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I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
This story is comedy gold 😂
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.