Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.