Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
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#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I finally found a reason to live again.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog