Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
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The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied