People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
You Might Also Like
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”