Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
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A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.