Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
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The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”