Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason