Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
You Might Also Like
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.