the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
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me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no