[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
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[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Sponch
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”