Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
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How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny