People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
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Just as the prophecy foretold
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
fixed it
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’