back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
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More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too