Netflix and scream at our children?!
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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Pretty much! 😂👀
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.