Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
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[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
this isn’t threatening at all
me as a parent
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.