[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
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This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
My love language is deader than Latin
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA