👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
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The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.