RT if you could go either way.
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If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger