My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
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No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*