I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
You Might Also Like
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t