How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
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The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues