“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
You Might Also Like
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.