BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
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Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”