I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
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Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.