Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
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You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES