Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
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*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Don’t talk down to me
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.