If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
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“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time