A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
You Might Also Like
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble